What love is
by wishonastar
Summary: Sequel to 'Ballet Bond.' James and Jane are doing just fine, until . . well read it!
1. Chapter 1

**Prologue **

"_We'll just take it nice and slow . .. ." _

James' words echoed in Moneypenny's head, as she laughed to herself at the irony of the song playing on the car radio.

"_We have all the time in the world . ." _

Taking it slow had been all very well and good for the last few months, but it now appeared that Mother Nature had stamped on the accelerator.

'How the hell am I going to break this to James?' she thought as she drove away from the doctor's office.

The nights that they had spent together had been so wonderful, and even the days had had their merits. Going shopping, meeting for lunch, sitting together in the park; all the ordinary, mundane things had become so enjoyable.

Bond had even learnt to deal with Jane's insane jealousy each time his eyes wandered.

"But a baby?" Jane said out loud, "somehow I don't think that was what either of us signed up for."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 1 **

It was a week of morning sickness that had prompted Penny to visit the doctor. Sitting in her office, impatiently drumming her fingers upon the desk, part of the expectant mother wished that she had not attended the appointment. But then the rational part of her knew that no amount of tempting denial would make this problem vanish.

Suddenly, Jane caught her runaway train of thoughts and was shocked at how awful she sounded. It was then that she realised that she didn't want this pregnancy to just 'vanish.' No, the pair were not at all equipped to deal with a small child. No, the prospect of a small, yet deafeningly loud, little bundle wasn't an overly joyous one. And no, Penny was not at all sure that either of them would be able to cope.

But she did know that she had a life growing inside of her. A life that had been created by the love that she shared with that very special person in her life. A life that she instinctively knew she would do anything to protect.

Just as Jane had finished mentally reassuring herself, the man who occupied half of her thoughts and most of her heart, breezed into the office.

"Good morning," he started, strolling around the desk towards her, "have you missed me darling? Because I have certainly missed doing this," he finished, leaning in to kiss her.

Jane couldn't help but push all other thoughts to the back of her mind. She had missed him too.

"And this," she thought to herself as she returned the kiss with equal fervour. As she had shown James in the previous months, she could match him in terms of sexual appetite any day.

Bond broke the kiss, delighted with the reaction, whilst Jane came crashing back down to earth.

"So you have _missed_ me then," he teased, "perhaps tonight we can find a way of showing each other just how much?"

But the secretary knew that there were other, more pressing matters, at hand.

"James we have to talk."

"I can think of other things . ."

"James!" she stopped his hand before it could make its way around her waist, and moved to the other side of the room. The concern now evident on James' face, Penny took yet another deep breath and continued.

"James, as wonderful as the last few months have been, it would seem that when in Moscow, we weren't always, well, that is . . Erm . . .at certain points during the trip, we didn't exactly take as many precautions as we could have and well. . . ." she paused, finding herself stumbling over her own words. Not being able to stand the tension any longer, the words all of a sudden came tumbling forth.

"James I'm pregnant!"

The atmosphere in the room was suddenly frozen as Jane braced herself for a reaction and James tried to formulate the words to give one.

"James?"

"Well, erm . ." James faltered, the last few months had been so perfect, he was amazed that he hadn't anticipated some kind of situation. As thousands of thoughts raced around his mind, the normally unshakable 007 realised that this probably wasn't expected by either party. In that one moment, he mistook the look on Jane's face, misread every signal possible and opened his mouth to speak.

"Well ,don't worry darling, I'll help you through it."

As unromantic as the declaration may have been, Penny's emotional state simply registered that he wasn't going to run a mile, and she crossed to him, walking willingly into his open arms.

Against his chest, she mumbled, "I was so worried you would be angry with me!"

"Oh darling, really now don't you think I should accept some of the responsibility for this?" They both laughed lightly, glad that the situation, as far as they were concerned, was resolved. Suddenly, the mother-to-be became serious and her voice turned to almost a whisper as she admitted, "I'm scared."

Raising her face to his, Bond reassured her, "well don't be. I'm here with you anytime, night or day, and I'll be right there when the time comes."

She smiled and buried her face into his shoulder, breathing in his scent, grateful for the strong arms around her.

"So have you made an appointment?" he asked, tentatively.

"Well, I saw the doctor this morning and he said that he'll see me tomorrow for a scan."

"A scan? They do those now do they?"

Jane chuckled at what she assumed to be his sarcasm, whilst making her way back towards her desk to gather some papers. She looked up at his puzzled face and joked, "it's going to be a long nine months!!"

"Nine months?" James questioned. 'Oh God,' he thought to himself, suddenly, 'she's keeping the baby!"

Realising that he had completely misread the signs, he prayed that Penny hadn't heard his question, or seen the look of utter shock plastered across his face. But it was too late.

"James? What did you . ." Suddenly it hit her. She mentally berated herself for believing that the notoriously commitment free James Bond would accept the prospect of fatherhood so readily. "Oh God," she whispered, "you thought that-"

"Well, it's just that, well neither of us are exactly ready to be parents are we?"

"Maybe not, but struggling through with no idea of what we're doing would be preferable to . . . to . . ._**killing**_ our child!!"

The room fell silent once again as neither lover knew what to say. This was one row that could never be solved by a simple apology and a kiss. At that moment, one soul felt a little lost, the other trapped, and both a little helpless.

Just then, the familiar sound of a buzzer permeated the silence, and as Bond entered the office; Moneypenny hurried out of the building and into the pouring rain.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 2 **

When James entered his apartment, an eerie silence hit him. He had grown accustomed to a cheery 'hello,' or sometimes, if he was very lucky, a seductive, 'I've been waiting . . . .' Since Moscow, the pair had been practically inseparable, and due to his far superior coffee making facilities, had often found themselves spending the night in James' living quarters.

Not knowing how to even begin to rebuild the relationship that he had established with the woman he loved, James had returned home. He had no idea why, he just prayed that she would be there; whilst knowing deep down that there was no possibility of her being. Being greeted by a wall of silence certainly gave him the inspiration he needed.

Arriving at Penny's smaller, cosier abode, Bond let himself in using the key she had given him and was greeted by an almost identical scene. Only there was one difference. The faint, muffled crying had penetrated the wall of silence.

Bond followed the sound and found himself being led to the bedroom. The scene before him wrenched at his heart. The moonlight streamed across the bed but was no disguise for the figure curled up on top of the bedclothes, hugging a pillow to her chest. Penny had heard a key turning in the lock, and knew that it would be James; but had decided to stay where she was. Grateful that her back was to him, another bout of tears followed at the realisation that she no longer felt close enough to James to allow him to see her crying. She knew then that the intimacy barriers that had almost disappeared from their relationship, had now suddenly returned and were more prominent than ever.

"Penny?" James called softly. He knew that all he wanted was to take her into his arms and tell her that everything would be fine; but he also knew that she was hurting too much for him to do that. "Jane, darling I'm . . I thought you . .understood what I was saying . . I didn't know that you wanted the baby."

Again, there was a silence, as James took a guess as to Jane wanted to hear.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, as he settled himself on the edge of the bed and reached out to touch her shoulder. Instinctively, however, she moved away from him.

"Sorry doesn't change anything, James, and it certainly doesn't fix anything," she began, knowing that the tears she had shed were evident on her voice, and were betraying the demeanour she was trying to present. "You wanted me to kill our baby."

"Only because that's what I thought that you wanted."

Jane stifled a gasp at this last statement. Could this possibly mean . .

"You mean you want this baby?"

Again James almost physically kicked himself. He had no desire to lie to Jane and tell her that he was deliriously happy, but at the same time, he knew that a part of him had just been given a wonderful piece of news.

"I don't know," he finally managed, "I just need a little time."

"Well, at least you haven't said no." Penny rolled over to meet James' eyes, behind which she could see the mental battle that was taking place.

Bond was beyond relieved when she allowed him to gather her into his arms in a comforting embrace. "I'm sorry I can't give you the guarantees that you need right now, but I do love you. Nothing will change that I promise."

Jane drew back from him and once again searched for the sincerity in his eyes; and found it.

"So will you come home with me?" James ventured, realising just how much he wanted her there with him.

She shook her head in response, "I think we both need a little time. I'm sorry James, I'm not pushing you away, but neither of us have enough strength for the conversation that I will want to have if I stay with you tonight."

"Yes, you're probably right there." He rose from the bed and started towards the door. He almost reached it before he heard a gentle voice floating towards him.

"My appointment . . ." she reached for his hand, "it's a nine tomorrow, at my doctor's surgery. If you want to come."

James smiled in the darkness and pulled her close to him. Then, after placing a kiss tenderly on her forehead, he left her alone in the night. But then he thought of her standing there and it warmed his heart a little when he remembered that she wasn't alone at all. She had their baby with her, growing inside of her.

Driving back to his empty apartment, James imagined how it would feel to see the woman he loved cradling their child in his arms. Climbing into his cold bed, he imagined how it would feel to hear his child call him, 'daddy,' for the first time, whilst Penny stood and smiled at him. And closing his eyes to fall into a lonely sleep; he imagined his life without Penny, and without their child.

Suddenly things became a little more clear for the disillusioned 00.


	4. Chapter 4

James didn't think that he could be any happier when, at 7:30 in the morning, he knocked on the door to Jane's apartment knowing, well hoping, that he was ready to be a father. Realising that the occupant may still be sleeping, James once again let himself in, only to be greeted by a retching sound coming from the bathroom.

"Darling?"

"Ah morning," she said rising from her knees to stand in front of him in the bathroom. "Sorry about that but, well . . .welcome to the wonderful world of pregnancy!"

"Are you alright?"

"Yes, you get used to it after a while!" Jane gave a slight laugh as she took in the concerned look on the face before her, "James, I'm fine honestly."

He pulled her into his arms and the two of them simply stood there, locked in an embrace as they silently began to build one of the many bridges that had been burned.

"Come on," James whispered; leading them both into the sitting room, "sit yourself down and I'll fix you some coffee."

"Uh . James, I can't drink coffee anymore," she replied, sinking down into the soft cushions of the couch.

"Ah yes, of course, well . . How about some French toast? Or orange juice? Or -"

"James why don't you stop trying to avoid talking to me and sit down?" she offered, patting the empty space beside her.

And so he did. James positioned them both so that Penny's legs were stretched out, resting across his knees. Taking her hands in his, he took a steadying, calming breath and spoke, "Jane I am truly sorry for the things that I said that hurt you. And I have been thinking, really thinking, about my life, our life together."

"Our life?"

He nodded, "I realised just how much I rely on your love and having you around. Which also made me realise that I can't ever be the same as I was before . .us." Seeing the expression on her face, James caught her train of thoughts and slammed on the brakes, figuratively thinking, "I . . I . . don't mean in a bad way, I just mean that you've changed me Penny, for the better. And my future without you would be so, well . .and the baby is such a blessing and -"

"James, you're rambling!" she smiled at the sight of a flustered 007.

"Well, Penny, that's just what you do to me," he replied, regaining a more suave demeanour. "Besides, how wonderful will it be to have a baby with hair just like yours," he reached out to wrap a strand of the uncombed hair around his finger.

"And these eyes," he placed a kiss at the side of each luxurious chocolate orb.

"And this nose," she sighed as he kissed the tip of it, bringing his lips temptingly close to hers.

"And these lips, well . ." his mouth brushed ever so lightly against hers, eliciting another gentle sigh from the lips in question, "actually, no . . no-one else could possibly have lips like these." Jane let out a low chuckle, as the two met in a passionate kiss.

Breaking apart a few moments later, James' voice was filled with emotion as he began, "I want to ask you something."

"What?"

"Marry me?"

"What!"

"Will you marry me?"

As high as James' heart had leapt at the presumption of the answer he wished to hear, it sunk even lower at the expression on Jane's face. Her eyes began to sparkle with unshed tears, which were not those of happiness.

"Oh James," she sighed, "I'm so sorry. I can't"

"You can't? But . . .I just thought maybe. ."

"I know, darling, and it's so sweet of you to want to do the right thing, but if, or when, we get married, I want it to be because we feel ready to, not just because Im pregnant and you're trying to be a gentleman!"

A little hurt, James managed, "it wasn't just an act of chivalry you know-"

"I know," she interrupted, "and I love you too, but this just isn't how I want it to happen. That doesn't mean that I'm turning you down forever, nor does it menthat I love you any less . . . . I'm just not ready."

A few painful moments passed for Jane before Bond managed a smile, "well we should get going if we want to get to the doctor's office in time," he offered, with a false cheeriness, taking his hand in hers and kissing it gently.

After battling the morning city traffic, the couplke were ushered into the dotor's office and after apologising profusely for their delay, Jane took a seat on the examination bed.

The doctor readied the equipment and the unusually nervous Moneypenny reached for James' hand. She flinched at the cold gel which covered her stomach, but her discomfort was entirely forgotten as both pairs of eyes came to rest on the screen before them. Jane felt the tears building as the tiny form appeared and her heart leapt as she saw the same joy reflected in the crystal blue eyes which met hers, as they gazed spellbound, at their child.

"Well everything looks fine," began the doctor, breaking the magical silence, "I'd say you are about 10 weeks along, Miss Moneypenny." Seeing that both parents were still captivated by the miniature outline of the baby, he rose, "I'll leave you _three_ alone for a moment!"

Grateful for the privacy, James seated himself on the edge of the bed and turned Penny's face towards his own. No words had been spoken, but they both knew that a new bridge had been built between them and another unbreakable bond had been formed.

Lowering his head to hers, James brushed his lips tenderly across the fuller, softer ones below him. As the kiss deepened, Jane felt a sigh soon escape her lips; a sigh of contentment and joy and as the couple parted, she rested her forehead against James' shoulder as his arms encircled her waist to pull her closer.

"Yes."

Keeping Penny's head against his shoulder, Bond raised an eyebrow, "excuse me?"

"Yes."

"Yes what?"

The auburn haired woman pulled away from the embrace and chuckled, "honestly James, only an hour has passed and you've already forgotten the one decent proposal that you've made since you've known me," she scolded, with a smile.

The realisation was slow, but the joy spread across James' face like lightning.

"You mean . . .yes?"

"Yes!"

"Yes! Oh God Jane yes? Oh -!" he stopped himself from rambling by bringing his lips swiftly to hers.


	5. Chapter 5

"James! Focus on the road please!"

"Darling I can't help it. Do you know I just got engaged to the most beautiful woman and I can't stop staring at her!" James laughed as he focussed his attentions back on the road in front of them, as the Aston Martin sped towards the couple's workplace.

"Well as true as that maybe, I would like to arrive at work in one complete piece James and I don't think that will happen if you keep staring at me rather than the oncoming traffic!"

Although she may have been half serious in her scolding, Jane could understand his jovial mood, as she herself felt all the clichés rolled into one. Walking on air didn't even begin to describe her delight at the thought of James Bond loving her enough to actually want to settle down. Well, settle down was perhaps a little too optimistic; she knew that he would, in many ways, still be the same old 00, but just the thought that he might forgo the Saturday night partying ritual in order to stay at home with her and stroke her baby bump, before they woke up together on Sunday morning and stayed in bed until noon, was simply wonderful.

'I can't believe he wants to be with _me_!' thought Jane to herself, turning slightly to admire his devilishly handsome face. Unbeknownst to James, the playful banter and innuendo had not always been easy for her, and time was beginning to take its toll. Before the mission in Russia, Penny had been involved in the business of convincing herself that a life with James, or even just a relationship with such an elusive figure, was a lost hope and the daily mantra became, 'forget him and move on.'

Whilst half in total awe that James felt the same feelings for her that she had been harbouring for him, Jane was certainly not suffering from an idealistic schoolgirl crush; she knew that James had his faults, and exactly what they were.

"Jane? Jane? You're really not listening are you?" the sound the masculine voice startled her from her reverie and she turned to him, looking rather dazed.

"Sorry what was it you were saying?"

"I was saying that perhaps we should tell the evil queen of numbers together. I know that I could but I thought that I would come along and hold your hand!"

Moneypenny shot him a silencing look and prepared her retort, as the car rolled to a stop and the two climbed out "very funny, James, but if you're not careful, I'll tell the whole building about the time in Russia when you were too drunk to attend to my burning desire!" She ended the threat with a kiss, to keep his male ego in tact. "Now, you'd better prepare yourself, I'm not sure how M will behave towards you when you admit to being the one that's ruined her favourite secretary!"

Needless to say, M was rather unimpressed at the pair turning up late for work, and together more to the point. Taking Jane aside, the older woman warned, "I hope you're not falling for him Miss Moneypenny; 007 is not one for change and he is not the kind of man that you need in your life. Despite our business relationship, I do care about your welfare. . . .and under no circumstances will I accept a substitute in the event of you resigning over a broken heart!"

"Well, actually M, there is something that I -," she indicated James, who was waiting patiently in the doorway, "that both of us would like to talk to you about."

The shorter stern woman rolled her eyes, "well this does sound ominous." She took a seat behind her desk as the two employees took those in front of it, "and why I am not surprised that you are involved 007?"

"Well," James began, "you see the thing is. . .whilst in Moscow . . .Miss Money- Jane and I we . . ..well that is-"

Sighing, almost in frustration, at James' seeming incapability to maintain his trademark coolness when discussing personal matters, Penny jumped in, "M, I am 10 weeks pregnant and James is the father. I know that you are probably not best pleased about the situation but I can assure you we are happy with the situation and I will continue working for as long as possible, whilst arranging my replacement personally."

Both parents held their breath as the older woman decided their fate. Dramatic, perhaps, but the hearts of the pair were certainly beating a little faster.

"Miss Moneypenny congratulations!"

"Uh . .thank you ma'am . . ."

"Now, I believe you have an urgent memo to send."

Jane left the room bemused and, she thought, rather selfishly relieved. Sitting behind her desk she felt a little helpless knowing that James was probably about to get the grilling of his life and all that she could do was sit in her office and wait for his return. She chuckled to herself. 'Some things never change!'

James shifted uncomfortably in the chair, trying desperately to keep his composure.

"So, Bond, couldn't keep it in your trousers eh?"

"Actually ma'am-"

"I'm not interested in the gory details Bond, but as Miss Moneypenny is the best secretary around and fawns over you like a puppy, I feel the urge to act like a father and ask what your intentions are. Well?"

"Well ma'am, actually, Miss Moneypenny has just accepted my proposal of marriage and we are both extremely happy with the situation."

"Oh and so by sticking a ring on her finger you think that you can go gallivanting around the world like you are so used to doing and she will just sit at home darning your socks and baking cakes with a wailing infant in the background?" M moved closer to Bond's chair and pinned him to it with her eyes, "I am aware that Miss Moneypenny has no family to speak of that can undertake the task of interrogating the men in her life and so heaven knows why but it seems that I feel propelled to do so."

M was now directly in front of James and, for once, towering over him, "I must warn you Bond, if you hurt her in anyway, if I have to hand her so much as once Kleenex, then I will send you to the depths of hell on a wild goose chase and you will be MIA before your plane even touches the ground. And this time, there will be no bailing you out."

Speechless, James simply stayed in his seat, absorbing the information he had been given.

"Mr Bond, I suggest you leave now before I change my mind and send you on that wild goose chase anyway."


	6. Chapter 6

"Amelia . . .Amelia . . Mia . . . Mia Bond . . Hm," Jane smiled to herself as she pulled into the underground garage below her apartment the very next day. "Jacob . .no . . . Cole . .no . . . Tyler . . .no . .no . . Noah?. .oh why must men be so difficult!"

"Talking to ourselves Miss Moneypenny?" A deep voice whispered into her ear as his hand snaked around her waist, pinning her to him. Teasingly, the figure brushed his finger down the side of her face, "well, sometimes you talk far too much."

Jane let out the breath she had been holding and turned in her captor's arms, prepared to do battle. Suddenly, he brought his lips down roughly to hers and parted them with his insistence. Eventually, he released his intimate hold and tilted her flushed face towards his.

"James what has come over you?"

James let out a low rumbling chuckle, "well my dear, you're just so beautiful and knowing that our child is growing right here-" his hand journeyed down to her stomach and caressed the small mound that was beginning to form, "-inside of you just makes me want to take you here and now!"

"How very alpha male of you darling," Penny teased, handing him a bag of groceries, "here, seeing as how you're feeling particularly caveman -like this afternoon, perhaps you can haul these up to my place?"

"Well my dear, you know how I love to help a damsel in distress!" This comment earned James a swat on the arm as the pair started for the elevator, and a kiss in consolation when they reached it.

"Hmmm," Jane purred, "I can think of a few ways in which you could help me Mr Bond . . .but I'm not sure that any of them can be accomplished in the lift."

"Where there's a will, Miss Moneypenny. . ."

As they stepped in the side the, fortunately empty, hold, James brought his lips crashing down to hers, but yet this time there was a sensitivity about the kiss that the first of the day had lacked. As the pent up desire that both had been feeling throughout the day was expressed, after working late at the office the previous night and simply falling straight into bed, and falling immediately asleep, James reached out for the emergency stop and rammed the button into the wall.

The jolting movement of the lift as it ground to a halt caused the pair to stumble, Jane finding herself pinned against the wall. James' lips began a delicious assault on her neck, as a slight moan escaped her. She lifted her leg and rested her bent knee on his hip, bracing herself against the handrail.

James was delighted to find the stockings that he had bought for Penny in Moscow encasing the smooth thighs which he caressed. A low growl escaped him as he took a moment to inspect the delicate lace and silk attached to her suspender belts and as he traced his fingers along the strap connecting the two, he felt the woman in his arms shudder. So powerful was the effect that the two had on one another, James' arousal became evident as Jane felt it pressed against her.

And so hands wandered, sighs became heavier and clothing was shed, before a rather dishevelled couple emerged from the elevator, groceries in hand.

"Well, never has a ride in a lift been so . . .interesting," James whispered as Penny fumbled in her purse for her keys.

"Never, Mr Bond?"

"Well this may surprise you darling, but my . .activities have generally been quite orthodox . . . .tedious one might say."

"So what you mean is," she started, placing the grocery bags on the kitchen counter, "you need me to add a little spice into your sex life?"

James reached for her waist and spun her around to face him, "I need you . . ."

Jane raised an eyebrow as the pause became unnaturally long, "you need me for . . .because . . .when . . . ?"

"That was the end of my sentence. . .I need you. In everything, through anything, for the rest of my life."

A speechless redhead simply stared at the gentleman in front of her, stunned. A few moments later, she found her voice, "you know James, I can't believe how romantic you can be sometimes. I need you too darling and I'm so glad that I finally admitted that to myself. And as for you needing me, well, we're getting married James!! I can't believe it but we're actually getting married!" she flung her arms around his neck and the two shared a jubilant kiss.

"Ah yes, that reminds me," he said, pulling a small box from his pocket, "I got you something."

For the second time in a matter of minutes, Jane was speechless as she opened the box to reveal an engagement ring that surpassed her idea of beautiful. A selection of small, perfectly formed diamonds surrounded a larger sapphire, all set in a band of silver which glimmered in the sunlight from the French windows.

"It's beautiful," she began to slip the delicate ring from the box and towards her hand.

"Ah ah ah," James scolded gently, pleased with her enthusiasm but wanting to perform this particular task himself. "Perfect fit," he smiled as the ring slipped with natural ease onto the equally delicate finger before him.

He was rewarded with a kiss. And another one. And another one. And another . . . .

A few hours later, the apartment was silent apart from the gentle breathing of the two lovers, and a gentle breeze which drifted through the now open bedroom window. In the heat of a stifling summer's evening, a single sheet covered parts of the exhausted bodies of the pair, but Jane's left hand was raised high above her head as she gazed at the ring that fitted so perfectly. The soft sigh which she emitted, as a smile graced her lips, caused James to grumble slightly and change positions as he woke. The new position allowed him to bring his lips to her neck and begin a trail of kisses as Jane chuckled at his insatiable nature.

"Hmmm I thought you might be a little tired by now," Jane whispered as she rewarded his endeavours with a gentle kiss.

"Darling, there are some things that I will just never tire of."

"James where did you find this? I think it may just be the most perfect thing that I have ever seen," she caught the look, or rather smirk, on James' face, and flushed a slightly darker shade of pink. "I know I'm being slightly, well . . .girlish, but I'm just so happy. All thanks to you."

"Well, you're not the only one," he answered, his hand wandering to rest on Penny's stomach, where it lay happily, " and, in answer to your question . . .it was my mother's." The slight hint of pain and longing in his eyes as he mentioned his late mother, made Jane's heart sink a little, as she knew that this was one area of his life that she could change very little about.

Not really knowing how to ease the pain of remembrance, Jane pushed him backwards and rolled so that her head lay on his chest and one leg became entwined with his. As her hand lay stroking his heart, subconsciously trying to heal the scars that she couldn't see, she realised how much closer she felt to him, knowing that part of his family history was resting on her finger.

"So," she began, breaking the silence, "how about some supper?"

"Hmmm, only if we can eat it in bed . . . ."


	7. Chapter 7

The room was illuminated with streaks of sunlight when James finally awoke the next morning. Whilst his eyes adjusted to the light, he leant down and pressed a gentle kiss on the top of the head which lay sleeping on his chest. This movement proved enough to wake the light sleeper and two pairs of eyes met before two pairs of lips did the same.

"Mmmm Good Morning darling," Penny sighed.

"Morning," laughed James gently, as Jane moved to sit and indulged in a luxurious stretch.

Snuggling back into his embrace, she rested her head on his shoulder. "Darling?"

"Yes?"

"What about a name?"

Knowing instinctively to what she was referring, James paused for a moment of thought before answering. "What about Isabella?"

"Hmmmm. . ."

"Or Annabelle?"

"Hmmm . . ."

"No? Alright then, what about . . .. . . . Amelia?"

A smiling face greeted this last suggestion, as Jane lifted her head to meet his eyes once more. "You heard me in the car park didn't you?"

"Hmm . . ." both of them laughed as he mimicked her previous expression, 'yes alright, I like it, Amelia Bond, that is, presuming we're married by then and you take my last name . . . ." James trailed off as he prepared for torrrent of anger which he was expecting.

"Well of course I want the baby to have your surname, and I'll take it too but there is no way on God's earth that I am marrying you whilst pregnant James!"

"Why not?"

"Well aside from the fact that that would give us less than 7 months to organise and hold the biggest wedding of the year, I don't want people to think that we've simply decided to marry because of the baby."

James chuckled lightly at the thought of the 'biggest wedding of the year,' although the thought of it filled him with a traditional bridegroom sort of dread. Deciding not to linger on the thought, and finding Jane's lips just too tempting to resist, he lent in to give a more passionate good morning kiss. Before his lips could reach hers however, the shrill sound of the telephone permeated the silence and caused Penny to jump from the bed to answer it.

Listening to the soft lilt of the woman's voice drifting from the kitchen, James was relaxed once more into an light slumber, during which he could not help but think of his parents and how proud they would be of him, finally settling down, and with a woman as gentle, beautiful and all round parent pleasing as Jane.

Some minutes later, giggling, the perfect daughter-in-law returned to the bed and, realising that her lover was sleeping, slipped under the sheets next to him and positioned herself in his embrace, snuggling closer to his masculine form. Still sleeping, James automatically pulled her closer and sighed, prompting Penny to do the same, and wonder whether things could be any better.

"Who was it?" Bond mumbled, after a few moments of holding his love in silence.

"Helena. She wants me to visit for a couple of days soon so that she can 'prepare me,' for the birth a little!"

"Oh how nice for you . . . .I gather I won't be required for this activity then," he asked, silently praying that the answer would be an irrevocable 'no.'

Jane giggled again and leaned over to kiss James soundly on the lips, before shattering his hopes of another round of lovemaking with the dreaded, "time to get ready for the office . . ."

Groaning, the ever dedicated agent rolled from the bed and began to follow his betrothed into the kitchen before checking himself for being so submissive and, with a wicked grin, pulling Jane by the hand, who of course followed willingly, into the bathroom . . . and then the shower . . .

The breeze was warm and welcoming as James strolled through the cemetery. His smile seemed unshakable, his high spirirts everlasting. Kneeling at his parents' grave, he felt proud that he could finally bring them what theyt had always wished for; his happiness.

He laid the roses which he had brought by his mother's headstone, and the lilies by his father's. To James, the crimson roses, in perfect bloom, where the most fitting tribute to the kind and gentle, yet passionate and vivacious nature of Anna Bond. He had made it a point in his past never to give those particular flowers to any of his brief flings; Jane was the only woman he had ever given them to, and the only one with whom he had shared their secret meaning.

Thinking of his lady love brought a smile to his face and he shared a silent wish that his parents could be there to share his joy. He went on to tell his father all about Jane's beauty, and his mother all about her gentle grace; either way he was sure that she was so much more than just beautiful.

The lone, distinguished figure by the gravestones went on to talk for quite some time before moving on to the subject of his fiancee's pregnancy. "So there you are Mum," he began outloud, not really caring that anyone might hear, "you're finally going to be a grandmother!" James ended with a smile, imagining what his mother's reaction would have been. Thinking back over his own childhood, he remembered such happy times with her whilst his father was away at sea. When he returned however, well . . . 'such a different life,' thought James.

His mood darkened as his mind turned to sadder memories. Memories which saw a little boy crouched underneath, not daring to move should his mother come to need him and find him gone. So, terrified, James would watch and tremble whilst his father's drunken tirade continued.

But one night was different.

Trembling, the little bundle of nerves caught sight of his father's hand raised above his head and his mother shrieking and recoiling in fear. In an instant, James was by her side, meaning to halt his father's aggression, but instead receiving the full impact of the blow himself, which sent him tumbling to the floor.

Suddenly there was a deafening silence as his father looked to his mother in sober horror, his mother looked to her son, gathering him into her arms, and James stared, wide eyed, at his father, with utter despair; confused, terrified and angry.

Eyes brimming with tears at the memory, James' brow furrowed as he began to recall some other major events in his life. First, his graduation from Oxford. A wonderful day, one of his professors had even mentioned him during his speech, likening him to his father, the great Henry Bond.

Then, his training for the Office. A highly successful first day had led to an endless round of comments about how it was almost a surety that he would follow in his father's footsteps.

And even recently, Penny had compiled a collection of family photos for his birthday and had remarked on just how much he reminded her of his father. "You have that same distinguished jaw line, cheekbones," she had said, giggling, "and that same cheeky glint in your eye . .."

All of a sudden, James felt almost as if he had been destined, his whole life, to become everything his father was. Whilst part of him was filled with pride at the thought of being able to emulate a celebrated naval hero, another side of his mind flitted back to the picture of the young boy with a bloodied lip and a tear-stained face, and wondered if that would one day be his child with the fear in his eyes.

Irrational as it might have been, James couldn't help but consider everything in parenthood that he _wasn't _prepared for.

How to heat a baby's bottle.

Change a nappy?

Bathe it?

Burp it?

Hold it?

_Love _it?

Love it. That was the one thing which James knew that a baby needed, and yet one thing which he had felt a distinct lack of from his own father. That was one footstep in which James had no desire to follow.


	8. Chapter 8

Jane arrived home to an empty flat. Shrugging her shoulders, she left the groceries on the kitchen counter and headed to the bedroom to change. She sighed as her aching feet hit the plush carpet and left her stiletto heels in the doorway. Deciding that James would be home soon, she smiled, biting her bottom lip, and started toward the wardrobe to retrieve the silk nightgown which she knew would drive him wild.

Opening the wardrobe door she stopped. No suit. No shoes. No ties.

No James.

Ripples of fear began to gather in the pit of her stomach a she rushed to find her mobile amongst the groceries. With terrible scenarios racing through her mind at a numbing speed, she raised the phone to her ear and . . . .stopped. Replacing the handset into her handbag. Jane gently fingered the crimson envelope lying on the counter, before grasping it to her chest and with one deep breath, she opened the letter.

_My darling Jane, _

_I know that with you I have the life that I never thought possible . . .but you deserve more. I know that I told you that I thought was ready for fatherhood, but now I realise that a safe, happy and loving environment is something that only you can provide. _

_I have handed in my official resignation to Her Majesty's Secret Service, as I no longer feel worthy of the job, knowing what a coward I have been . _

_I do not expect you to ever forgive me, but please Jane, try to understand that I am doing this for your sake, and that of our unborn child. I know we never discussed names for a boy, but remember how we decided that Isabella would be the perfect name for our daughter. Please, tell her how her father loves her. _

_I will miss your smile, your laugh, your hair, your eyes, your heart, Penny, and my biggest regret is that I will no longer be the man you love, or your husband. _

_With all my love in this life and the next _

_I'm sorry _

_James x _

Jane crumpled the tear stained page in her trembling hand and sank down onto the cold kitchen floor. Curling into a ball, she began to sob; afraid, empty and alone.

Opening the front door, Helena Smith was shocked to be greeted by the sobbing form of her sister.

"Janey?!" she managed, gathering her sister into her arms and leading her inside. As the pair reached the living room, Jane left her bags in the doorway and flopped down on the couch, only to be joined by her sister, who laid a comforting arm across her shoulders.

"Oh Helena, I'm so sorry. I didn't even call but I just. .. . .I ju- . . . . . ." she lowered her voice to a whisper and managed to raise her head a little, giving Helena a full view of her bloodshot, puffy eyes, "I just don't know what to do."

Helena took a deep breath and prepared herself for an explanation. She knew that is Jane had run out of answers, then something was dreadfully wrong.

"About what?" she asked finally.

"James. He's gone, Helena, just walked out. I mean how could he? We're having a baby for God's sake! And he just walks out! No goodbye, no explanation - oh sorry; he left a note!!"

She finished, her anger bringing a fresh bout of tears, as she handed Helena the note. After quickly reading it, the married woman of the two girls just had to ask, "well, maybe something has happened, I mean someone could have forced him to write it . . .you know - kidnapped him?!!?"

Jane let out a short, harsh laugh, "Helena bless you for being so lovely, but I think I should face facts and admit that the great, womanising rat that is James Bond has run off and left me! Can't believe I expected anything more!" She sobbed into the cushions on the couch, because even though she had just stated, in the harsh light of day, that she believed him to be a womanising rat, she couldn't quite believe that he had actually left her. Alone. All that she could see in her mind was his smile in the morning, the cheeky grin he gave her when she caught him watching her. She thought about the way that he held her hand in the street and gently squeezed it every now and again, making her feel like she had never been safer. And most of all, she thought about how the feel of his lips on hers made her feel like she could not be happier even if she tried. Stroking her stomach, she cried more than ever for the baby that she thought would never know its father.

Helena sighed and again gathered her sister into her arms, doing the only thing that she knew would help, and just holding her.

A few hours later, Jane woke from her exhausted sleep to the smell of sweet chocolate coming from the kitchen. Recognising it as one of her favourite childhood smells, she realised that Helena was preparing hot chocolate and marshmallows. She smiled softly to herself, feeling blessed to have such a wonderful sister.

"Ah, hello there sleepyhead!" called a voice from the doorway. "Now, Lionel says that he will be back in a couple of hours, so I hope you're prepared to face the wrath of a man whose favourite sister-in-law has been hurt by another one of his own sex?" Helena half teasingly said.

Gratefully taking the mug from her sister's hands, Jane took a generous sip of the warm, syrupy liquid and sighed, feeling a little more human. "I'm sorry for disturbing you Helena, I should've called first -"

"Janey!" Helena admonished, "darling, we're sisters! I know that I haven't always been there for you, and we've spent more than a few holidays apart, but I love you, and will never, ever, turn you away from my home, or regret spending one moment drying your tears." Deeply moved by this, Jane simply accepted the hug being offered to her and took another sip of the warming drink before her.

Some minutes later, Helena began with a whisper, "so, Isabella eh? You know you had a doll called that when we were younger."

"What?" asked Jane, confused as to where this conversation had sprung from.

"Isabella. The name you decided for your baby if it's a girl. By the way -"

"We didn't decide on Isabella, we decided on Amelia."

"Amelia? But the letter said -"

"Isabella. The letter said Isabella. Why would James write that? He didn't like that name, we decided on Amelia. Mia. He hated Isabella, I could tell by the look on his face-"

"Maybe he changed his mind?" Helena offered.

"No! No he hated Isabella, it was his first girlfriend's name and she kissed someone else on his seventh birthday! Oh Helena, you know what this means don't you?!"

"Erm -"

"It wasn't James, the letter wasn't James, I mean, it was his handwriting but it can't be him! He must have been forced to write it. Oh God what's happened to him?"

Now pacing the carpet, Jane was frantic with worry, and yet strangely relieved. She had known deep in her heart that the letter was uncomfortable in some way and now she realised why. She kicked herself for being so blinded by the impression that he had made one of her underlying worries resurface, and then quickly directed her mind to the task of discovering what on earth had happened to the man she loved.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 8 **

The office had never seemed so far away, and the traffic so infuriating as it did to Jane Moneypenny that day. After much cursing and some rather questionable driving skills, she finally pulled into her designated space and practically ran the short distance to the lift.

Finally reaching her office, she rather uncharacteristically barged straight through into M's room and found the rather alarmed older woman staring back at her. Suddenly her nervous self one again, but spurred by an unshakable sense of panic, Moneypenny stumbled for the words which she needed.

"Uh . .it's James you see . .well he's gone and . . . ."

Mistaking the tears in Jane's eyes and the torrent of meaningless words for those of a heartbroken woman, M guided her secretary into chair.

"I bloody well knew it! Men! Well, my dear 007 was never a fan of commitment, the b-"

"No! No, that's not what I meant. You see, when I got home . .. . ."

-

Sometime later, when the story had finally been explained and M was suitably convinced that this wasn't just a typical 007 disappearing trick, Penny found herself being sent home to rest. As helpless as she had felt at the office, sat waiting for news, the feeling was only worse when she sunk down into the couch at James' apartment and, catching the scent of his aftershave on a cushion, began to cry a little.

"Oh Janey," cooed Helena, who had been brought along for moral support, "everything will be fine, you'll see."

"God Helena, he's never been taken like this before. I mean, they must have really hurt him for him to just give up and go with them like that. I know I must just seem like an overemotional pregnant woman, but I've waited so long for someone like James and now he's her, and he loves me and wants to marry me, and I have part of him inside of me, growing bigger everyday and . . .oh well wouldn't it just be a perfectly bloody ironic twist if I lost him now!?"

"Shhhhh, you're not going to lose him darling," the tearful sister comforted. As much as she hated seeing her sister like this, she knew that she had to stay strong for Jane. So, pulling her into a close embrace, she sent a silent prayer that wherever James Bond was, he was alive and finding a way back to her little sister.

Unfortunately, he wasn't. On his way back that is. They hadn't harmed him much yet, but being chained to a chair in a windowless room was about as close to Hell as he could think of at that moment. He'd been in worse positions, but it wasn't his state which he was worried about. James Bond wasn't naïve and he knew very well what Jane would be thinking; he had never been one for commitment. He hated the thought that the mother of his child could possibly be hurting and hating him.

Suddenly, he heard the cell door bang open and a flood of sunlight came into the room. Recognising the brown leather stilettos of his captor, James surveyed her fine, slender calves appreciatively, of course, and finally raised his bruised face to meet her, rather more attractive, one.

"Well, Mr Bond, not so handsome now are we?" The woman's Russian accent took on a more menacing tone as Bond finally realised who it was that so badly wanted to harm him.

"Natalya? But, I, you're . . ."

"Dead? Yes, she is. But I'm not. Being twin sisters, I suppose you could be forgiven for thinking what you did Mr Bond, but no, my sister's body is lying in a grave, after you left her dying at the side of the road," the beautiful woman finished, setting off that twinge of guilt which James had always felt at Kinskov's unfortunate demise.

"I never wanted to kill her, but it's difficult when someone is holding a gun to your head."

"Excuses, excuses. You're not going to charm your way out of this one my dear. You know," she continued, bringing herself to sit astride him on the chair, "I can see what Natalya meant; she said you were one of the most tempting men she had known." She ran a lithe finger in zig zags down his toned chest, "you know, I'm never going to let you out of here alive, so we could, perhaps . ." she pressed her sumptuous lips against his in the most gentle of kisses, and waited for an answer, vocal or otherwise. Instead, she was met with a stare from cold eyes, eyes that belonged to a man who finally only knew of one woman that he wanted.

"Well, have it your own way Mr Bond. Now, I am sure you would love to know how it is you are to die. Well, that is up to you. All I'm going to do is keep you in this cell until you decide and . .well. . .taunt you a little," she gave a little chuckle here, before meeting James' eyes and continuing, "I might wave a gun in front of you every now and again, but make no mistake about it, you are never going to see your precious little Penny again. And your baby . . .well you can't miss what you've never had."

James set his jaw and clenched his fists at the mention of his unborn child.

"So you've been following us then?" he asked, knowing what the answer would be.

"Ah, you were familiar with the surveillance techniques of my sister's lover then? And their sophistication? Well then, this will come as no surprise-" at her command, an image was projected onto the screen. The image of a sobbing Jane Moneypenny on the couch of James' flat.

He let out an audible sigh, knowing that he was most probably the reason for her tears.

"So this is your plan? Mental torture? How very primitive," he mocked, in an attempt at nonchalance; but his charade was laughable, if truth be told. Anyone present at that moment could see the pain in his eyes as he considered the prospect of having to listen and watch the tears of the woman he loved, without the warming luxury of being able to wipe them away.

"I think it will prove more effective than you think, Mr Bond. And never fear, there will be a camera following her, sorry . .them, everywhere," she stepped closer to him once again and tilted his head sideways and upwards, to meet her own, "you won't miss a single second of their life . .their life without you." She ended her speech with rather passionate kiss and released his lips with a self-satisfied smile.

With a slam of the cell door, James was left alone, with enough food to last him until morning, by his calculations. He scanned his surroundings once more; a bed, a chair, a table, even a window. Hardly torturous by imprisonment standards, but the one thing he could not escape was the most prominent feature of the room; the close-up shot of Penny's petite form weeping alone.


	10. Chapter 10

What Love Is Chapter 9

A/N: Sorry this has taken such a ridiculously long time! I can only hope that there are still people out there interested in reading it!

_Four months later _

James was unshaven, dirty, tired and miserable. No, more than that, he was an utterly broken man. Anytime he attempted to drift off into a slumber, the volume from the screens increased and he could hear Jane's screams ever more clearly. If he managed to sleep through them, then he berated himself into staying awake, hoping that he might on some level be helping her through. Her nightmares were no less frequent than the first night she had spent alone after his disappearance, and were now even more terrible to witness. Not only did James see her tossing and turning throughout the night, but he heard her sobs every time their child moved inside of her steadily growing stomach. He heard her fraught conversations with her sister everyday, worrying how she would ever cope with a child on her own, without having had time to mourn the man she loved.

_Mourn. Loved - past tense_. James realised that he was as good as dead to Jane now. He knew nothing of his surroundings but had guessed that Kinskov had hidden him well enough that even Mi:5 had not been able to find him. He bloody well hoped they had looked, they owed him, and Jane, that much.

Jane. God how he missed her. Despite the enormous representation of her projected onto his wall night and day, he was beginning to forget how she smelt, how she felt when he experimented with different intimate caresses, how she sounded whispering in his ear each night with passion and each morning with love. He felt like a stranger in his own life, and knew that his words of disdain at his captor's 'primitive' method of torture were a lie. If any man were to be effectively tortured then this would be the way. James hadn't realised the tears were streaming down his cheeks until he heard the snarling laughter of one of the guards. Even then, he could not summon the willingness to wipe them away. He simply did not care how he appeared to anyone anymore. His spirit was broken; his heart, soul and his life worthless to him.

In just fourteen weeks time, she would be a mother. If all went to plan that were. Jane Moneypenny repeated the ever decreasing number to herself each morning, determined to cling to the one thing keeping her alive. Without knowing James' kisses or embrace, their child had become the only thing forcing her out of bed each morning. Out of bed, into the bathroom, then to the kitchen, breakfast, walk in the park, lunch with Helena, back to apartment, watch television, eat dinner, shower, sleep. Hers was no longer a life, merely an existence for the purpose of bringing another life into the world. She had a healthy pregnant glow, was a perfect weight, had taken an extended holiday from work therefore avoiding stress and yet was miserable, utterly and completely.

She was oddly unconvinced at the notion that James was dead, and part of her subconscious refused to believe that this was the truth. However, this part of her mind was far too inconsequential to overpower what seemed to be the harsh reality that he was, in fact, dead and gone. Everyday she attempted to consider her life without James and yet was unable, other than in short conversations with Helena to actually process these thoughts and so continued with her learned routine. Friends visited occasionally, and distant relatives, breaking the routine, but mostly the day persisted in the usual way.

Everynight before she went to bed, Jane admonished herself for being such a romantic fool but then kissed the picture of her love which sat upon her bedside cabinet.

And every night, her love shed tears at the sight of his lost love and the child that would never know him.


	11. Chapter 11

**6 Months On**

Mia Bond was 2 and a half months old when her father was discovered. His mother had thought it only fitting that the daughter she loved so dearly painfully resembled her lost fiancee. As heartbreaking as it may have been to look into those eyes, his eyes, each day, Jane was thankful to have his presence in her life once again in human form, even if the human form could not yet speak. Mi:5 had finally been able to locate the position of the underground bunker in which James was found through advances in their GPS technologies. For this, Jane Moneypenny was forever grateful.

When the phone began to ring that day, Jane was just preparing to feed the wailing infant who lay in her cot. Sighing, the frustrated mother placed a soft velvet rabbit in Mia's arms, and she seemed to be soothed by the first thing which her father had bought for her. Jane answered the phone in her usual manner and was greeted with M's strangely emotional tones.

"Jane……we've found him."

And at that moment, Jane's heart seemed to break into a million pieces and her world crumbled around her. As torturous as the last few months had been, the vague hope that one day James would return to her had been the only thing keeping her heart alive, except from Mia of course. But as wonderful as motherhood had been, as wonderful as it could be for her, James had access to a part of Jane's heart that she doubted anyone would ever be able to touch.

"Oh God," she sobbed, finally regaining the ability to speak.

"They're taking him to the hospital now," explained the older woman, in the same shocked and saddened tones.

"And you need me to identify his body?" Jane asked, still shaking.

"What? No! When I said they were taking him to hospital I meant for treatment. He's alive Jane, he's still alive."

"A-a-alive?"

"Yes, well barely. He's in a very bad way dear, but he held on all this time, somehow. It's miraculous really, and the doctors are saying they never would have imagined that anyone could survive all those months in a situation like that. They said he hasn't eaten for weeks. It looks like we found him just in time Jane. Now Mia will still have her Daddy."

Jane had become inconsolable during M's explanation. It wasn't that she was sad, the opposite in fact, but all of the emotion which has been suppressed for the sake of the baby suddenly came rushing to the surface and she sobbed with all of the strength in her body.

"Can I see him?" she managed.

"Of course, but you may want to leave Mia with your sister, she shouldn't see this. And the doctors said that James may react badly to sudden shocks, and as he has never met Mia, the shock may be too much. Even seeing you again might be hard for him. Just remember that he is still James and he loves you of course, but he's been through something indescribably cruel."

"What did they do to him M?"

"I'll explain in time, just come to the hospital as soon as you can. He's on the fourth floor."

"Okay."

Moments later, Mia felt herself being lifted from her cot and as she tried to clutch onto her favourite bunny, her mother lifted it for her. She raised her hand to her mother's face, as was her habit, and unintentionally dried the tears rolling down the cheeks in front of her. Jane kissed her daughter's head again and again and whispered words of love to her as she guided them both out of the door. Jane's heart was suddenly whole again as she considered James' return and his first meeting with his child, although M's words rang loudly in her ears, and she prayed that James' heart would be the same as it was before he left.


	12. Chapter 12

Reaching the door of the private side room, Moneypenny froze. Like bullets, doubts were tearing through her brain, forcing her to question all that she hoped would be true. Would James still be able to love her? Would he be able to welcome Mia into his life? Would he still be James at all? M had told her that the doctors knew very little about his mental state; still sedated it was hard to tell how he would fare back in the world he knew.

With all the courage left inside the emotional fiancée's body, she entered the room and tentatively stepped towards the sleeping form surrounded by machine after machine and attached to wires in so many places. Seeing the look of concern on Jane's face, the nurse gave her arm a reassuring squeeze; not telling very much at all, but offering the only support she could. Jane perched herself on the edge of the hospital bed and, for the first time, saw the bruises which covered James' face, chest and arms. She looked closer still and saw the way in which his face had become sallow and pale, his eyes looked sunken in and his chin was covered in a thin, bedraggled beard. Carefully taking hold of his hand, Jane noticed the deep wounds across his knuckles which she guessed may be from futile attempts to fight his captors. His wrists were thin and weak and his arms no longer looked or felt like the ones which had held her through so many nights. Moneypenny never thought she would truly understand what is was to see a 'shadow of a man,' and had been convinced that no matter how dangerous James' missions were, he would always come back a little bruised, but in one complete piece. She knew now she was wrong, and with that realisation came tears of pure, unaffected sadness and fear. Seeing the man she loved in this way and actually facing the reality that she may lose him even after having looked on his face one last time, just as she had wished in her darkest moments, was almost too much to bear.

Just as Jane was clutching at James' hand and shedding months of tears, she felt the play of muscles in the agent's forearm. Looking up suddenly, she saw a cheek muscle quiver and a vein in his neck seemed almost to jump a little, as Jane's nerves did in anticipation. A few groans escaped 007's mouth and his eyes began to flicker open. As they did, Jane increased the pressure on James' hand without realising, and leant forward to brush a stray lock of hair from his face. In no time at all, two piercing blue eyes were staring at her and instead of belonging to her daughter, this time they belonged to the only man ever to make her weep with both joy and sadness at the same time. Several minutes passed with those eyes opening small amounts each time, fighting the drugs which were being pumped into this near lifeless body, before finally they blinked open with some force. Taking in the slightly blurred but nevertheless beautiful face before him, a streak of realisation passed over the handsome features of the patient and a few tears began to fall down his freshly cleaned cheeks.

Jane didn't know how to feel. Jane didn't know how he felt. Having never seen him cry before, she wasn't used to the situation and all she could do was hope that they were tears of happiness, or even relief. He seemed to be trying to speak, but she stopped him and loosened his grip on her hand enough that she was able to stand from her chair and cross the room to pour him some water. It seemed strange not saying anything, having spent so long wishing that she could talk to him again. What do you say to a man who disappeared from your life, unintentionally broke your heart, fathered a child he's never met and now lies, near death, in front of you? 'Have you read today's paper?' No. That didn't seem quite enough. Moneypenny pondered this as she returned to James' side. She tipped the glass towards his mouth and he allowed a few sips to pass into his mouth before pushing the glass gently aside. She sat down beside him again, softly stroking his hand.

"I love you," was what she finally managed to say to him.

"I'm sorry" was what he finally managed to whisper, just audible above the beeping of the machines around him.

"What? Sorry for what?"

"For all the pain I caused you, all the tears my darling, all the tears I wasn't there to wipe away."

Not being able to bear the intensity burning in James' eyes, Penny moved to pour some fresh water into the glass. "That's rather conceited James, even for you, maybe I wasn't crying over you at all." She had tried, but it didn't feel right, joking just didn't feel right just now. The intensity was still too much to bear though, and wanting to stay strong for James was the only thing keeping Jane from sobbing until her heart would mend itself. She returned to her chair, took his hand in hers and kissed it gently. She laid her cheek on his hand and just sat there, taking in the warmth finally coursing through him, the life returning to the fiancé she had mourned.

James lay awake for several minutes after Jane's breathing indicated that she was dozing. 'She doesn't know' he thought to himself. It was clear from her reaction that Jane didn't know that she had been watched all this time, that her every move had been followed, that even her most private moments with her newborn child were captured on camera. And he wasn't about to tell her. Not now. He would make sure that she stayed away from the apartment tonight. M would arrange for the entire place to be de-bugged, even redecorated if that's what it took. They had promised each other truth and honesty, but James knew he needed time before the truth was out about this one. He knew that his darling Jane wouldn't press the issue until he was ready to talk, and that is when he would make sure that she was ready too. The urge to protect Penny had not faded whilst he was locked away in that cell. If anything, it had grown stronger and now James was willing himself to recover so that he could finally hold this woman in his arms and ensure that no harm could ever come to her. First he would hold Jane and then, his baby, his Mia.


	13. Chapter 13

"I want to meet her."

At this firm declaration, Penny fully awoke from her dozing and looked James in the eye, startled though she was.

"I really want to meet her," James repeated, "but not right now, not yet."

Penny almost breathed a sigh of relief. She didn't quite know why she was so nervous about introducing James to his daughter, but she was. She supposed it was because she wanted James to be proud of Mia, to be pleased with the work she had done in raising Mia so far. So she still had a little of the doting secretary in her, needing James' approval, was that really so awful? She admired him that's all, and his opinion matter, particularly concerning their own child. Jane didn't want the 00 to think that she had neglected their baby in any way whilst she wept for him.

"The doctors said it might be a shock to your system, perhaps we had better wait until you're out of here. I don't really want to bring her here anyway, it's a little –

"Clinical? Yes you're right," James interrupted. He noticed Moneypenny's hand trembling in his own clammy one. What in God's name was making them both so nervous? He was confused about how to feel. There was a part of him that simply wanted to kiss Penny until she was senseless, that wanted to run his fingers through her hair and taste every inch of her body. There was also a part of him that had clammy hands and was terrified of breaking her any more. Looking at her, still with the remnants of tears in her eyes, he could still see the months of heartache and grief. She was still so fragile, although she would never admit it. James couldn't bring himself to hurt her anymore.

"You look tired," Jane said, finally breaking the pensive silence they were sharing. They both laughed at the obvious statement. "Really though, I should leave you. The nurses keep frowning at me through the glass," she said, indicating the nurses' station. James nodded his agreement, suddenly feeling rather sleepy indeed. "I think they're worried I'm tiring you out."

"You'd be wearing a little less clothing if you were tiring me out, Penny," Bond replied, managing a slight laugh.

'Thank God,' Jane thought. At least 007's trademark seduction was still there, somewhere beneath all the bruising and scars.

"Goodnight darling, I'll be here again in the morning," Penny bent to press a gentle kiss to his lips. Both lovers felt that the electricity between them was still there and both lovers welcomed the discovery. Like any couple who have spent a considerable length of time apart, there was the worry that things would never be just as they were before.

"Goodnight my love, give Mia a kiss from her daddy. Tell her I'll see her very soon," James replied, gently coaxing Jane into a longer, but equally gentle kiss. The auburn haired vision started towards the door, before stopping as she heard James' voice once again.

"I love you too Jane, and I've missed you so very, very much. And we will get through this, I promise. I just...need a little time to adjust."

Seeing the light in his eyes that she was so used to before all this began, Penny practically ran back to the bed and injuries were forgotten for a moment, as she took his face in her hands and kissed him with all the intensity that a reunion between two such people should promise.

"Sleep well," she whispered as she left the room, leaving James nursing a slightly more bruised arm than before, but a heart that was finally on the mend.


	14. Chapter 14

What Love Is Chapter 14

Jane was forced to take a seat in the hospital foyer. Forced by the overwhelming sense of helplessness with which she had left James' bedside. Feeling at least a little reassured by his parting words, no tears came to her eyes just yet, only a crushing sense that the long road to recovery which was ahead of them both was not going to be without its potholes. Hearing a familiar cry, she turned sharply around in her seat in time to see Helena negotiating the revolving hospital doors with Mia, a pram and her own 4 year old son, in all his bounding, after school glory.

"Auntie Jane!" shouted Harry, loud enough for both sisters to be just a little embarrassed.

In his enthusiastic state, Harry reached his aunt before she was quite fully out of the chair and barrelled her promptly back down into it, ending up comfortably on her lap.

"I learnt about letters today, Auntie Jane, and numbers and painting and I played with the sand and the frogs but not with Missy because I don't like her very much because she's a gi-"

"Harry!" Helena finally reached her poor sister and managed to interrupt the great tidal wave of reception class information which Jane looked in no fit state to receive or process. "What have I told you about running off like that? And shouting!" The boy looked suitably sheepish and regretful and so his mother turned to her sister, handing her the wailing infant in her arms who seemed to settle somewhat when cuddled into the familiar scent of her mother's brown cardigan.

"Hello little one," Jane whispered, earning her the slightest smile from her daughter, who was otherwise still quite fidgety from missing her usual 4o'clock feed by an unforgiveable 15 minutes.

"I'm sorry Jane, but this little one has been so hungry all day that we've run out of milk for her. I didn't want to risk formula because we hadn't talked about that so I wasn't sure how you felt."

"It's fine, Helena, I really appreciate you taking her today, but I'm definitely ready to have her back! I think this is the longest she's been out of my sight - and I don't like it one bit!"

Helena laughed a little along with her sister, whilst peeling a banana for Harry's pre-dinner snack. The laughter turned into a sigh though, and she sat down besides her son and his aunt, as the banana was enjoyed with gusto.

"So, how is he?" A little early for the question, Helena thought perhaps, but it has to be done sooner or later. She and Lionel had been equally as shocked to hear of James' sudden reappearance - explaining the sudden outburst of tears to the girls at work without giving away state secrets had been tricky - and she was desperate to know exactly what Jane had been confronted by, if only to be able to help, to share the burden a little. Helena waited for a while, expecting the silence which met her question, busying herself with the kind of things which only a woman can find to busy herself with in the cavernous handbag of which all mothers know the necessity.

"I don't know how we're going to get through this, Helena," was not the answer the big sister had hoped to hear, and the rush of tears and gentle sobs which came from Jane certainly wasn't what she wanted Mia or Harry to see.

"Harry, why don't you go and see what toys they have in the corner over there?" As the uniformed boy scampered off to see what treasures he could find, oblivious to why Auntie Jane was suddenly making strange noises, Mia's cries were becoming unmistakeably louder as she felt her mother's own tears on her face and hands. "Jane, sweetheart, why don't we get this little one fed? I'm sure she'll feel a lot better when her tummy's full and then we can have a proper chat?" Helena also knew that the soothing feeling of feeding her baby would most probably make Jane feel better too.

As Jane arranged her scarf and cardigan to afford herself a modicum of privacy, she foccussed on slowing her breathing and containing her tears, knowing that if a nurse or porter were to inform James of the scene, he would most likely insist on marching straight down to comfort her, even in the poor condition he was in. At least, that's what the James Bond she knew would have done. But now, this post-trauma James? Well, that was just the problem.

"It's different this time. Somehow," with her child contentedly suckling away, Jane was ready to talk, "somehow, it's like he's not there, not James, not my James." A deep breath, and she continued, "I've seen him after more or less every mission for the last fifteen years. Sometimes I would even be the first person he spoke to, the first person he confided in. After the really bad ones, when he'd been locked away or lost someone special, he would come round to my apartment for coffee, usually Irish. We would chat and I'd cover him with a blanket when he fell asleep and he would sneak out before I woke up, but he'd always come to check on me first - I never oiled the door hinges in my bedroom because I liked to know that he was still the same old James. Nights like that, he would have this look in his eyes of real sadness, questioning whether it was all worth it. But the next day, he'd be back to normal."

Helena looked over to see Harry playing happily, and whilst Jane was talking, she couldn't help but wonder how she would feel if she knew that Lionel had been hurt or locked away in some tiny cell for months. What would she do when he came home? It struck her that it must take a lot of strength to do what her sister did. To put the kettle on and chat away, trying to heal unseen wounds, not wanting to pry too far, and knowing just when to call it a night and let him sleep. Not jumping into bed with him can't have been easy either! She scolded herself for her levity and focused again on her sister, who was stroking her baby's cheek whilst reminiscing.

"Of course, there were other times when he would stroll back into the office like some cock of the walk and the gleam in his eye would have me immediately jealous of whatever woman had put it there. Then ten minutes later, it would be the reprimanded schoolboy look coming out of M's office after a lecture on the proper use of government resources. I thought I knew all the looks, Helena, all of them. Thought I knew him inside out. There were some new ones, after we got engaged, after I told him about Mia, even in Russia he was always surprising me, but I could always see that he was my James, there was something essentially him about the looks he would give."

"But not now? Not today?" Helena asked, beginning to understand the fresh bout of tears on Jane's cheek.

"No, not today. I've never seen it before, not this look. It's...it's..." More tears came as her words faltered and failed for a second. "He looks like someone else, like some robot has come back instead of him. They've broken him, really, truly, broken him. I didn't think it was possible, but they've done it. He's the strongest person I have ever met, stronger than M or Q or anyone in the office, stronger than Mum even!" Helena gave a small smile at the memory of their mother in full blown intimidation mode, facing a lion on the African plains, or worse. "He's seen women and children die, he's held the women that he shared a bed with whilst their blood drains out of them, and then dug a hole for them by the side of some road just to make sure that wild animals don't tear them apart. I've read each one of his mission reports and sobbed, whilst he picks himself up and heads to his next job. But now...oh God Helena, I don't know what they did to him but I don't know if I'm ever going to get him back!"

"Shhhh, Janey, darling of course you will!" As Mia decided she was full and Jane resisted the urge to sob some more, Helena took the baby to her shoulder for burping and let her sister cover herself again. "Listen, why don't I drop Harry off at home with his Dad, then I'll take the two of you home and make you dinner and we can have a good old chat, or cry or whatever you need, okay?"

"Thanks sis," Jane nodded in agreement, knowing that she would have gone along with anything Helena suggested as long as it didn't involve being on her own with Mia. At least with Helena there, she wouldn't feel so awful about another night crying on the sofa with Mia in her arms, the only reminder she had of the man she loved. Well, she thought, he's back in some sense. The terrifying thing was, she didn't know whether _her _James would ever really be back at all.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

Returning home to an empty flat seemed a little easier for Jane, but it still remained a challenge to fight back the tears which had flowed so freely in the hospital. Her concerns for James' mental wellbeing kept her from enjoying Mia's high spirits. Giggling away, she had no idea of the worry in her mother's eyes and was simply happy to be in her playpen with her favourite toys. Jane was finally able to calm her daughter and feed her before changing and lying down to sleep. With every intention of sleeping, at least.

James lay awake in the hospital for yet another hour. The pain medication had made him drowsy, but clearly not drowsy enough. Thoughts of Jane filled his head, seemingly as inescapable as the cell in which he had been imprisoned. Thoughts of Mia, too. In a strange way, he felt thankful to his captors for at least allowing him to watch Mia's first months, he felt as though he had been involved in some way. He let out a sigh at this thought, this deluded idea that watching a person on a screen means a connection with them. The clock on the wall seemed to grow louder as two o'clock turned into three.

Jane wiped the tears from her eyes once again as she settled in the chair to feed her child. She was happy to do it, to provide exactly what her Mia needed, but couldn't help but feel an emptiness when she looked down and didn't see her lover's hand stroking their daughter's cheek as she suckled. This sleepless night was one of many, but seemed to hurt more, as Jane grew ever more fearful that even though James was at the other side of town, his heart was a million miles away.

The new mother couldn't have been more wrong, however, as the absent father continued to toss and turn in his bed. Longing to be home with Jane, to force things to get back to normal, he considered throwing off the monitors attached to him and making a run for it, but something stopped him. A fear that froze his heart a little, telling him that things wouldn't be normal, wouldn't be that kind of Sunday morning comfortable for a long time.

Fighting off a demon or two, he sat upright on the edge of his bed and reached out his hand for the phone attached to the wall. Requesting an outside call to be placed, he sat and waited, pondering if this was a terrible idea or not, whilst simultaneously cursing himself for his lack of courage.

"Jane Moneypenny," a groggy Jane croaked into the phone.

"It's me, I'm sorry I woke you."

"James?"

"I'm sorry, I just - I thought we could talk I suppose - I'm sorry, terrible idea, obviously you need to rest - I just...well I couldn't sleep."

Jane was quiet for a moment, still waking from her fitful sleep.

"No, no, James, it's fine, I'd only just drifted off really. Having a hard time sleeping myself. Mia will be awake for a feed soon anyway."

James winced slightly at the reminder of how precious sleep was to a new mother. He berated himself mentally, but as another demon seemed to drop from his back, the 00 realised that in the long term, it was better for this conversation to happen right now, better for all involved.

"How are you feeling James?"

"Well, the wounds are healing, so to speak. At least the physical ones anyway."

Jane was fully awakened by that last statement. Was James about to speak about his feelings? Actual emotions? There had been a time when she didn't believe he had any, let alone wanted to speak about them. Of course, in recent years she had seen beneath the stony glare of his eyes and discovered the tenderness beneath; the James who would carry her spent body to bed after a particularly passionate evening and cover her with a quilt before letting himself out of the flat, being careful that no-one saw. There was definitely a man of honour and integrity in that hospital, but generally those qualities remained in tact due to his ability to keep his feelings locked away and in check. 'Stiff upper lip,' was the saviour of many British men for a reason.

"James?" She asked, as she listened to his breathing through the earpiece of her mobile.

"James?" Bond let out a long held breath as he prepared himself for what he had to do. It would be difficult, he knew that, but it needed to be done. He wanted Jane to be happy and he knew that this was the way to achieve that, no matter the pain it may cause him. James knew that if he would just let her then this amazing woman, so patiently waiting for him to speak, would take his heart into her hands and stitch it back together with her voice, her words and love. He knew how she had nursed his body back to health with her compassion, and sometimes passion, when he had returned from assignments. He knew the healing power she held in her lips, as they traced over each scar, new and old. He knew that she could help, but he was missing the words to let her. This wasn't something he was prepared to put her through, it wasn't something he ever wanted her involved in. Knowing the pain he had felt in Russia when cradling Jane in his arms, James had vowed that he would never again have her in anyway connected with a mission. A separation of love and work was completely necessary.

So 007 needed, in this split second, at the end of a telephone, to make a choice.

"James?" Penny pulled the phone away from her ear to check the connection hadn't been severed. As happy as she was to wait, she was eager to hear James' voice, having been deprived of it for so long.

"Oh Pen." Another piece broke away from Jane's heart as she heard the sadness in this man's voice. Bracing herself for what was bound to be a difficult conversation, judging by Jame's wavering speech, Jane adjusted herself to sit on the edge of the bed. Their bed. _Where he should be right now, _she thought with an unmistakeable edge of anger.

"I need to tell you everything. I need you to know what happened when I was...when I was away from you."

"Ok. Then tell me."

As the clock changed to 5am, James wished he had told Penny these things when she was within his reach. Hearing her sobs at the end of a telephone call was all too similar to hearing them as he tried to look away from the giant screens in his cell. Although James knew he couldn't have summoned the courage to tell her everything had she been looking at him with the love he knew he would see in her eyes. This way it was just like dictating a report which his faithful Moneypenny would type up into a debriefing document. It felt cold and heartless to think of it like that, but he knew that it was necessary to do so if they were both supposed to move on.

"Jane?" He offered gently as the tears seemed to subside.

"I'm sorry, I just - it's just a bit of a shock that's all."

"I know, I didn't want you to know, but -"

"NO! No, I'm glad you told me - well, not _glad_, but, well..."

"Jane I love you. It's just going to take a while for me to...adjust. I've felt so close to you these past months, but so far away. When I look at you, I just see the pain I've caused-"

"James, you didn't _cause _the pain, it wasn't your fault! This happened to _you_, it happened to me, but they hurt _you._"

Bond was silent as he swallowed the lump forming in his throat.

"I love you," he whispered.

"I know," she returned, "and I love you."

And there it was, the release that Jane had been praying for. Back to something safe and secure, something strong. The road ahead still looked long and painful, but more stable than before. It was reassuring to know that they had a long journey ahead, rather than feeling as though the ground would open up at any second and cause them both to fall unknowingly into some dark abyss. Something as simple as those three little words had become a lifeline to them both, something primal to cling to whilst all the mental scars healed.

After hanging up the phone a short time later, Bond felt his shoulders relax a little and released his tight grip on the scratchy hospital bed linen. Relieved wasn't the right word for how he felt. Relief was not quite within his grasp. Soothed was perhaps a better one - as though the aching fear inside him now lay dormant for a little while at least.

As the clock changed to 6am, he imagined Penny at home. Perhaps lying awake thinking of him too, or maybe feeding their daughter. He fought against the flashback attempting to surface of seeing such an image projected inescapably in front of him in the cell. He closed his eyes in a vain attempt to shut out the sight. He opened them to quite a different vision.

"Penny?"

"Hi." In her arms Jane was cradling Mia, still a little restless from her morning feed.

"Hi. Why aren't you at home? Sleeping?"

Moneypenny remained silent. She simply crosse to the bed and set Mia in her father's arms. James started a little at the feeling of the precious bundle in his arms, but as the infant began to settle and he felt his own shoulders relax, the stern 00 felt a little overwhelmed at the emotion welling inside of him. He looked wordlessly across to his fiancee who was very matter of factly setting up a small travel cot in the corner of the room; although James could still see the tears rolling, unchecked, down her face. Still silent a few minutes later, Jane finally crossed to stand beside James' bed, looking down at her whole world in front of her, stroking her baby's head as she slept in her father's arms. Feeling a sense of peace in the world that she had been unable to feel for some months, Jane took the baby from her father and moved to place Mia into the cot. Making sure the baby was settled and still sleeping, Moneypenny made her way back to the hospital bed and lay down beside James. Raising herself slightly, she looked down into his eyes and took his face in her hands. Pressing her lips softly to his own, she made the ghost of a promise that everything would return to normal. With each kiss, this promise grew stronger and James became a little more convinced.

As the sun rose and shone through the windows of the hospital, the couple lay together. They kissed, sometimes passionately, but always tender, as the comfort of simple kisses was remembered and appreciated. They held each other as the morning came and only when the baby awoke did they begin to speak; about the past, about the future and most importantly about the healing power of the present.


	16. Chapter 16

Author's Note:

A massive thanks to everyone who has followed the story - in answer to a question I have had a few times, I suppose in my head Bond/Moneypenny will always be Brosnan and Samantha Bond, but to be honest, in writing this they always sort of take on a character of their own!

I am going to leave this story as it is and call it complete, as I feel like it is time to do so. Hopefully I will get time to write something else soon!

x


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